For The Life Of Me

Having gone thru some thangs in life, im entitled to write about it, because i can, such freedom in being able to talk about yourself for the world to see, how liberating, Wow what a journey is what i really want to say right now, A journey of learning, we live to learn, and yet we learn to live. Grew up in a pentecostal faith filled home, evangelists, ministers, trustee board members, and so on, I myself begin singing and apart of ministry at the tender age of 11 years old, first song, Let my people Go, Pharoahs Song. and continued singing for God in ministry thruout the years, all while singing his praises, there was a battle going on, on the inside of me, a war not yet won, I felt everything was ok, except this one thing, I was having an identity crisis, so i felt, all this around the age of 16, i began to feel things, that the preacher man would say were wrong, but yet it wasnt sexual , it was more like an understanding of identity , a discovery if you will. Yet I was afraid of what i had discovered about myself, while i was learning me, i was also learning that this part of me , this self discovery of sexual identity, was forbidden and could not be talked about or discussed, Yet Ill admit, when i look back now, i had probably known even earlier on, well at least my family did, they would see certain mannerisms that they of course didnt agree with, and would verbally shout out antics when i was only an adolescent such as walk straight, put ur butt in, fix ur wrist!!!! stop this, stop that. To the point where i began living in a state of fear, in my teen years, until at 16 goin on 17, senior year of high school, I thought of suicide, and was thinking of a way that i could end my life, without any pain to where it would b instant, if i just throw myself in ongoing traffic, or off a cliff, that might just do the trick, didnt really feel like i was loved for me anyways, or the understanding that had become of me, i was already being bullied in school for being different, and then have to have it come from family as well, as you can imagine, made it real hard for me to choose to live, i was ready to die. But i had an opportuntiy to go to a chrisitian private college where, i thought my answers to freedom and maybe a possible deliverance from what was said to be a homosexual demon, so off i went out of state to college, hoping to find my answers to life, only to find that i was becoming more spiritually strong, alert, aware, not sexually active at this time, a lil curious, but i was focused on God and God had focused on me, and i was happy, content, studying music and theology. My spirit was soaring high, while graduation year was suddenly fast approaching, i began to tell God, now you know whats going on inside, and if it were not meant for me to be this way, then by the time i graduate you will have removed this so called spirit or demonic force from my very being, and so i went on a 40 day fast, and at the end, while i may have been freed from some things, i still knew that i had an attraction the same sex, yet i gave God the benefit of doubt, i said ok God,  I told you by the time i graduate, this should be gone, done with. And sure enough graduation day had come, I walked shook hands, sat down, OMG!!!! that is a beautiful black man right there. Not Gone. So of course me and God had a long conversation for quite some time thereafter, I said God i told you that before i were to graduate this college that i would be delivered, id be set free, and you would do it for me, and Gods response to me was so clear as day, did i not say that you would come to know* the truth and the truth wouold make your free, He said you were already free, he told me , remember how you use to run to me with tears in your eyes after school and then you began to worship me for hours, i was with you then and im with you now, all you had to do was accept your truth and walk in your freedom, and love the who that ive created you to be, they may never understand, or know what it is that i have for you to know, but they dont need too, because i am with you, and have shined on you then as i do now, now go and continue to walk in integrity , righteousness, freedom and love, for I am with you always. Thats what He told me and spoke to my spirit, to where i no longer had a desire to commit suicide or run away from others or myself even, I had a desire to tell the world like me you can be free, but there is a price, it wont be easy, but God will make it so it is worth it. You are not called to live a lie, but are called to live and walk in truth, for to live the life of a lie is to live in defeat and cause you much frustration, but to live and walk in truth is to be free and to have total victory in ones life. im livin it, how bout u? be free, i love you, and so does HE!